After a relationship break up, everything in the world can seem bleak and depressing. The most important thing to remember is that this is a normal reaction. Anytime anything “awful” happens to us, we go through a period of grieving. A relationship split is no exception.

When a romantic relationship ends, you have a loss. There’s the loss of a person from your life who you’ve spent lots of time with. The intimacy you actually shared with this person now feels gone, and it’s common to think you may never have or sometimes even want that with someone else. Breaking up can simply seem like the end of the world.

But it is not! You need to put your ex boyfriend or girlfriend in the correct perspective so you actually can move on. This isn’t easy to do, but it’s important that you begin trying as soon as possible.

You may get tons of guidance on how to deal with a romance breakup. You’ll hear everything from “burn all your photos” to “hop back on the horse and find another romance.” You will know which approach is best for you actually, no matter what anyone says. Don’t try something that worked for somebody else if it doesn’t feel right.

Give yourself permission to feel bad at first. Whenever you actually have a loss you actually go through the same stages of grief as you actually do when there’s a death or any type of ending, with the degree of feeling varying from situation to situation.

1. Denial is the first phase of loss after anything difficult like the end of a relationship. This cannot be happening!

2. Next, pain and guilt set in after the shock and denial start to fade.

3. Anger comes subsequent, as does something called negotiating. If I do this or don’t do that, maybe we can get back with each other. I’ll never look at another person as long as I live, if only . . . .

4. Depression and being lonely set in once it is clear that negotiating won’t change the painful truth.

5. The subsequent step is the lessening of depression when things start to seem a little much better.

6. Then comes the hard part of functioning through it and getting past it.

7. The last period of grief after a relationship split up or any loss is acceptance, and hope for a much better future.

It can help to try to figure out which stage you’re in, and to know that everyone goes through something along these lines. Not everyone will go through every phase and they might not even be in order.

You actually might never start bargaining, for instance, especially if you know it is really and truly over. But the majority of people’s grief process will adhere to that general pattern. It is important to recognize that there is a final phase, and that period means you’ve gotten past it.

Try to put your relationship break up into perspective with other crucial things that have happened and could happen in your life, and remember that you may eventually get to the acceptance stage, too.

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